So Growing up blasian has not always been the easiest. It’s like we really are the black sheeps because on the outside can we kind of blend in with only one side of our families. I mean there have been times going to a restaurant with my mother and people thinking we were just friends, lesbians or sisters. EVERY TIME we correct them to tell them I’m her daughter they looked shocked. I mean we both look young because Asians no raisin but I don’t look Korean so I’m never correctly identified. Korean people have never really accepted or acknowledge that I share culture and heritage with them. Even more shocked to hear I was born there. I’m like yeah…I am Korean… they still look shocked. I know it’s not them and I don’t blame them for their ignorance of my personal background but I feel like I’ve been looking back a lot lately. I never really attempted to learn the language to try and even communicate/share a bond of language so it’s this distance between us is on me too.
Working on my album has really been bringing out my real feelings and finally I feel like I’m processing things that I’ve never been able to process. Healing the shadow parts of myself and being able to look at myself in the mirror is a step closer to finally loving myself completely so I am all about it. For my whole life I’ve never fit in and quite frankly I’m glad I never tried. Being a mother now I am more conscious about the things I am doing, the reasons I do the things I do, and trying to be more accountable for my actions. I do not want to pass down unhealthy behavior patterns I’ve been subconsciously programmed and have internalized throughout my life. Especially being raised in what most would consider to be a “toxic environment”. Observing the people I’ve encountered in my life I’d say most people are subconsciously kinda toxic in their ways of thinking. It can’t be “normal” to be deceitful or mask their authentic selves. I’m not saying that everyone needs to be opened to everyone and tell everyone their moves but it doesn’t even sound healthy to suppressed their true emotions and live unhappily for their whole lives. Like dang at least be opened to your own self . . . and if you don’t like the person you became you can always choose new behaviors to adopt. Habits are just repeated actions we have unconsciously given the green light to automatically respond to stimuli so you can be more efficient. So change it. You can’t change something you were unaware you were doing. That is why self-reflection and analyzation is important.
So yeah, I’m not a sheep but I am half black. I think it is more important to use our life time on this Earth to pursue the things that light up us and connect with the people around us. Be the people we wanted to become. The example the younger you looked up to and didn’t even realize for some of us, we could be. You would think living without harming others would be a simple thing to ask of others but obviously after living you quickly find out that people are going to do what people are going to do. So be the example. Walk against the grain. Live YOUR best life. Pursue the life YOU desire. Remember: the most important part about self love is to love your neighbors with that same love!!! Real self love is not selfish because when you really love yourself, you love others even if they are incapable of loving you back in the same capacity. Which I will mention does NOT equate to allowing them walk all over your boundaries/disrespect you because that would NOT be loving yourself. Got it? It’s okay to say NO! Life is a balance that goes back and forth. It’s not always fair and it can be messy at times.
I understand what my compilation is and coming to finally understanding that I don’t require others to understand me has kind of set me free. I see the connections between my past and my automated responses and habits I formed out of necessity or trauma. I am safe and secure now. The Artist in me has exploded in self expression not requiring to explain myself, the best skill to have developed. The literal embodiment of “it being what it is”. On periodt. So don’t be afraid to take the time to get to know yourself and embrace you. The real you. You are doing the best you can. Seize the day you have to take a few minutes to really think about what you’d like to see in your one life you’re living NOW. In the NOW. Even if you never do the things you wish right away. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot. It’s time to take care of yourself. Give your own self that love you’ve been seeking from others. Don’t be afraid to express yourself because how can we come to an understanding amongst each other if we do not know even our own true hearts? Talking to people around me has made me realize that we are living like we are in Babel. Everyone speaking in aloud in unison with absolute chaos and confusion because in a way we are all saying the same thing from a different perspective. It would seem the real problem we as human society has lost would be the ability to LISTEN. In itself it is fascinating because you can never truly know what it is like to live the life of someone else and then to understand them on top of that…near impossible especially if you have been on auto-pilot and have not done the same self reflection work to listen to your self to figure out who you are on the insides…
So in a way I guess you could call me more of a lone wolf. I won’t pretend to be a sheep but I am looking for my pack of people that I don’t have to explain myself to and accept me for the woman I am, was, and will be. Then I will no longer be alone.
-C Money, the Muse
C Money London 