MAN. Have you ever spent every day all day with an infant/toddler. It’s so draining on so many levels. And I thought pregnancy was exhausting. Let’s start at pregnancy. If you’ve never been pregnant before let me tell you what it is like…. Now every pregnancy is different but for the most part mine was a roller coaster. I realized I was pregnant about 5 weeks in. Felt like there was a little pressure on my tummy like I was bloated or about to be on my period…but for like 2 weeks… so I was like hmmm let’s take this test… I was initially pregnant with twins. One of the twins hearts never started beating and soon there was only one. The other one has shrunk back down and reintegrated itself back into the womb. I was sick. Like literally. Felt like vertigo. Projectile vomiting. Hot flashes. I was hospitalized twice where my whole digestive track shut down and I was unable to eat or drink water for a week. They kept me hooked up to the IV for fluids 24-7. Eventually both times after a week I was let go because they were unable to feed me. It was in the middle of the pandemic so I was alone in the hospital. No visitors. No uber eats. Just me. And my baby. The nurses from both hospitals were very kind. It was an experience for me. The first hospital was a Chinese hospital here in LA county so some of the nurses didn’t speak a lot of English, this is where I ended up delivering my baby. The second hospital was an American hospital also here. I felt more at home in the Chinese hospital because as a Korean American, the Chinese menu for food was more palatable for me. In the American hospital they kept giving me these dry chicken, peas, mashed potatoes, dry ass sandwiches and a salad. I wasn’t able to get fruit, many soups, etc. I was in there for severe morning sickness…. and they were literally unable to feed me healthy food. The nurses were sneaking me in fruit and little snacks or juices which I was soooo appreciative for. Even after speaking to the nutritionist/dietician of the hospital she was pretty much like I’d be better at home because then I would be able to access healthy food I could keep down… When I was released after not eating anything for a week… I was able to go back home to Koreatown and get some food. I was so thankful to be able to eat some soup and get my strength up. I was pretty much in the bed a lot of my final trimester. FYI If you’re looking for a good pregnancy pillow . . . (https://amzn.to/3exyo5R) but no matter what I did, I just didn’t have the energy. Looking back, I was having a hard time breathing and had start to mouth breath a little. Super scary, don’t do that. You can die…. I’m still trying to retrain my breathing… Anyways, I was in labor for 24 hours. I got the epidural which moved while I was in labor and so I had to get it put back in. We had to do an emergency Caesarean because after a day of waiting around somehow the umbilical cord got wrapped around my baby’s neck so we prepped for surgery. My mom asked me if I was afraid before the procedure. I responded to her that there was no need for fear when this was what was going to happen anyways. The last thing I remember is that I could feel the blade as it crossed my stomach and so they gave me more medication…
Beep. Beep. Beep. I opened my eyes and nurse in a heavy Chinese accent asked me if I wanted to hold my baby. Ummm…. sure? That whole experience was surreal. I mean I really could’ve died for all I know. My baby’s father said I was awake during and was answering questions and everything but I mentally had checked out of there. I was just looking down at the face of the little baby who had almost killed me a few times but was so much an integral part of me. I loved him. It took me a few weeks to really bond with him. I’m not gonna lie. Some mother’s will tell you that they were instantly linked and what not but for me it was a little bit of an adjustment. I mean he was a whole person. I had to meet him. I had a hard time trying to heal in the hospital. They only give you like 2 days to recover before you are sent home which is wild af to me. I mean, they literally just gut me open like a fish. The nurse helped me to the bathroom for one day. Day 2, I was expected to make it by myself. I never felt so helpless. Conditioned by society to be hyper-independent, here I was lying helplessly in the hospital begging people to help me pee. It was a lot but I am grateful. S/O to maternity diapers. Don’t knock them until you try them! They got me through my last trimester and some of my postpartum (https://amzn.to/3VpSGyy). I needed to learn how to ask for help and here I was learning. STILL LEARNING! My mother came for a few weeks to help out and bond with the baby. We haven’t always had the best relationship but I’m very grateful for her. She is literally the only person who 9/10 has my back. We don’t always see eye to eye and my childhood is complicated but being a mother now, healing my relationship with her has been high on my to do list.
Mom time and single time is so different. I can’t say that loud enough. Like I don’t even sleep deeply. EVER. I am constantly on mom alert for any noises or sounds to indicate what my child is doing 24/7 especially when I can’t see him directly while in the house. Then just having another person in your energy 24-7 constantly needing you to care and tend to them is exhausting. It’s not just food and bathing. You have to make sure they are feeling loved/listened to, being mentally stimulated, get to do some physical activity, learn social cues, learn language, learn a routine, use the bathroom, how to manage their emotions, etc. Most women are out here doing it by themselves and I really applaud them. It’s crazy but when I do have time to myself the first things I want to do are and in this order:
1. NAP. Just a good ol fashion nap where I can be comforted to know that my child’s needs will be attending to while I am sleeping.
2. SHOWER/BATH. All by myself, with the candles and the music and all the herbal bath ingredients. Bubbles, bubbly, smoke, Dead Sea salt, mayan clay mask, and the meditation music (Aim for 528 hz… try this one! https://youtu.be/uonoLClXBgA). I mean I even put a lil lavender, rose, etc. I just let my muscles soak and breath deeply. Completely unbothered. (Will be posting a bath recipe soon!)
3. Go somewhere alone. Like it might just even be the store or the gym. I mean but to just be able to run in there and do all my errands without having to struggle with the stroller. Normally with him I have constantly check and ask myself if I need to stop and grab some food because I still have to take care of his needs. Has he been changed? How child friendly is the place I’m going? Where are the elevators? Also he’s not a fan of sitting in his seat all day so then I have to plan a nice park stop.
Now this isn’t a blog to complain about parenting. I love being his mother. I love watching him observe and learn the things around him. He’s 17 months and already he reads his a.b.c.’s and 1,2,3’s. He’s so fascinating. He doesn’t quite say sentences but recently he told me, “Me Up, Me down” to pick him up then put him down, “Door close” when he closed the bathroom door which doesn’t sound like a lot but for a toddler, it sounds like he’s going to be pretty vocal soon. Other than that he says random letters and numbers like “4, 7, 5, 16, a, z, o, 5, 3, 6” I’m like are those lottery number man? His fave words are “yay”, “wheeee”, and “oh shit” smh but he uses it correctly when he falls or accidentally drops something so I don’t correct him. There’s worse words out there. Don’t Judge.
So yeah I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. I’m just saying as a Mom, I’d love to continue being the best mom I can be so now I have no problem asking for help from his father or my mother when I need a break. Mom’s need breaks. Mom’s have dreams. Mom’s have lives too that they live. We have to be a good example as well for our children so if you know a Mom in your life, ask her how you can help support her. We used to grow up with close families near by in our villages but now modern community has been a bit more complicated and for me spread out all over the globe. A lot of people have still that tight close community but for those who don’t or never had let’s figure out how we can start to build our own safe places to build these. In this country, having children in public spaces isn’t always the easiest. I wish we had more child friendly places because there’s only so many times we can take the kids to the “zoo” or museum. Or just places that had better accommodations for children. I’m not talking about making everything a circus but at least feature accommodations. I am working on my Babies and Brunch events in LA so if you are a parent in the greater Los Angeles area go follow our FB group page for our next parent networking event! (https://www.facebook.com/groups/3135173333388763/)
-C Money, the Muse
C Money London 