One common problem Ive notice in a lot of peoples spiritual teachings is that they tend to focus on the love and light but avoid the darkness. Too much light will make you go crazy and psycho. Too much darkness will make you go crazy and evil. You have to find balance within yourself. Balance your yin and yang energies. Surf the highs and lows. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it. Your feelings are valid. Do some self reflection. Look at the situation from multiple perspectives. How can you learn from the events that led you here? What can you learn about how to make things better for yourself next time? Be really honest too and listen to the other persons side of the story. You may not concur with it but you have to understand everyone’s perspectives to get a sense of understanding of the bigger picture. Keep in mind that healing takes time and you can’t force someone else to heal. There’s no quick fix. Pick your battles wisely. Not everything or everybody needs a response. Find healthy outlets to channel the energy of your frustrations and pain. “Darkness” for me looks like me in a hermit mode: singing for hours, dancing, listening to music, crying, journaling, soaking in a bath, running until my legs want to quit, throwing some paint on a canvas, taking a boxing class, going to the spa, drawing, coloring, etc. Feel what you need to feel as long as you need to feel it and then when you’re finished, strategize a way to pick yourself up. Begin with the intentions. What would you like to do? Make a plan. What will it take for those things to be done? What things will you require? Be serious. Write up some affirmations. I am confident. I am capable. I can do it. You have to give yourself the motivation. Work up the energy to make it happen. Hype yourself up. Be your own coach. Ask others for support. It’s not a light switch. You will have to dig deep. You are worth the fight. Most days you may not show up for yourself at first and that’s okay. Take your time. You are not in a rush. You’re not in a competition. Just keep at it but don’t avoid the darkness. Come to peace with it and find the equilibrium. Accept the things you can’t change. Work on the things you can change within your control. The longer you avoid feeling or transmuting the negativity energy, the more and more it will just grow inside of you, subconsciously eating away at you. Years later you may have to deal with it not even realizing you had suppressed it and it had drastically effected your outlook on life or how you function within your relationships. Find the balance. Every day may not be a good day but it’s knowing that there are some good days to come and some good moments to be had that really keeps me going. Make good days. Put the effort in. Treat yourself! Take yourself somewhere nice. Go sit outside and get in touch with nature. Ground yourself. Stop and smell the flowers. Find a way to feel and release your emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t harm you or anyone else. Take the “darkness” as a time of self reflection and pause. You have the will and power to get yourself out of whatever you believe yourself to be in. Change your thoughts, Change your life.
I was in the darkness for a long time. Was born in the darkness really… There was so much fighting and yelling around me all the time. I was not allowed to talk about it. To this day, nobody wants to address the elephant in the room. It’s like we tiptoed around it because every time I tried to talk about it my father would cry in shame or my mother would get defensive and change the subject. I was never able to voice myself freely. My dislike. My trauma. My pain. My discomfort. My loneliness. My lack of emotional support. Me discussing or acknowledging my pain was hurting the people who contributed to my pain so I was silenced. Whether it was by my own choice or pressure. I do acknowledge my part in allowing others to make me feel like I couldn’t speak up. My unspoken consent was my silence. People often would gaslight me. Tell me what I was saying was not what I would mean. Tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Talk about me not understanding the dynamics of life. I was always the problem. I’m thankful to have been able to really talk about it to my father before he was murdered and left for dead in his home. (SAPD if ya’ll can go ahead and find his killer that would be great… Thanks in advance…) Most people never get closure so I’m grateful I was able to. I said what I had needed to say. I felt we finally came to mutual respect and understanding. Even with all that he pretty much said fuck us in the end because we knew about his darkness and shame. He left everything to the only daughter who didn’t even know he existed. He would try to emotionally manipulate me to being the bad guy as if I was the one who had the history of verbally and physically being abusive to others. Which I will say, I almost became him at one point but have long since stopped putting myself into the same kind of toxic relationships I used to attract. Yeah, he had his good moments but he struggled with his toxic vices. I have no idea why he was killed but by the extent of the brutality of his killing, I can see how his past behaviors would lead him into a situation where he had finally met his match. Most people weren’t privy to the things I’ve seen. He was so sad. He would cry frequently about losing his family knowing that he was the reason it didn’t work. I just wished he would’ve healed and been a better person. I wanted better for him. I wanted him to find his happiness. I want everyone to find their own happinesses in their own ways.
No on ever understood me. I was the shy guy. The quiet kid. The new kid. Always the new kid because we moved a lot. I was an army brat. Dad and Mom in the Army. So I grew up believing that “home” is in my heart and where ever my feet are… To my new classmates, I was the hot chick who was going to steal their boyfriends. I don’t know why this was a thing. Like for real. It was so bizarre. I never wanted anyones man nor have I taken anyone’s man. This started being a thing by the time I was like 9… so I wasn’t even looking at other little boys yet… For me, I was just the shy kid who really only felt at peace when I was in school. School was my safe place yet it wasn’t at the same time. I never really belonged to a group. Even if I was in a group, I always felt like the outsider. Call me the popular loner. “Popular” because I knew everyone and played sports with them… but a loner in the fact that I really only had 2/3 real consistent friends. Looking from the outside in, those people judging me never had to sit beside me when I was ostracized and bullied. No one ever came to my side. I’ve never felt safe or secure with anyone else. Ever. I make myself feel safe and secure. After a lifetime of fight mode because apparently I don’t run away or tend to freeze, I’m finally trying to get over the PTSD and survival mode I didn’t realize I was in. I was even subconsciously hyperventilating in my breathing. My muscles were so tight and it hurt to move. My gut kept shutting down. I needed to heal. Still working on it to this day.
I prayed for enlightenment when I was 14. We had just read Siddhartha and The Epic Of Gilgamesh in my English class. I don’t know what everyone else felt but for me, that was a life changing moment. Enlightenment. Something I had never heard of. In all my years growing up Southern Baptist in the church we never talked about that. I have Korean family that are Buddhist but I don’t speak Korean so I never learned about it like that . The part that stood out about enlightenment for me was the peace. Something I always wanted and never had. Peace and freedom. Freedom to speak without being interrupted. Freedom to speak without needing to defend the things I said. Freedom to experience my life the way I wanted and not by how others thought I should experience it. Freedom to unapologetically be me. I felt it. It didn’t last long. The very next day I had an incident happen at school and pretty much catapulted me in the dark space emotionally for a long time. It didn’t matter though. I had tasted that peace. I knew what it felt like and I knew that I would feel that again. That moment was the moment I stopped pursuing empty friendships just because of time. I stopped trying to fit in. I would rebel. I just started hanging out with people that I vibed with better. I was still picking the wrong friends but I had learned some discernment which as we elevate in life will be adjusted many times.
Have I felt enlightenment again? Yes and no. I’m not there yet but I’ve felt moments. I can feel it getting closer. Enlightenment is a state of mind. It is balance. It is having and knowing your relationship with God and powerfully walking in your faith knowing that there will always be sunny days ahead. Knowing that everything you require is within in you because you are capable of making it happen with the right amount of work, discipline and patience. It is knowing that God works through us all and we are all connected. Yes it may rain. It may flood. There may be devastation. But after, the waters will recede. The clouds will keep moving to the horizons. The sun will come out. The ground will dry. The animals will come out from hiding. The people will come together. There we will have the opportunity to rebuild a stronger foundation, stronger community and maybe even take a new direction. Come what may, cultivate your own peace within you. When you find peace within, you will find peace around you. I love you. You got it. You can do it.
-C Money, the Muse
C Money London 