Blackeyes, Bruises, and Broken Hearts

In my quest to better myself as a person I realize how much the past and your child hood really have an effect on you. When I meet people, they often assume that I was a product of a normal 2 parent household and got everything I ever wanted growing up. Must be my positive attitude! By the way Santa, where ever you are, I never got my Sega Genesis…

Anyways what they don’t know is that growing up, there was a lot of domestic violence in my house. My dad was an alcoholic back then and my mom was often the target of his fists. Another target in the house was my half-sister who I grew up with. There were many nights me and my sister would huddle together upstairs, when I was allowed to hang out with her, and listen to the yelling and commotion going on below. So I never really liked my dad. He’s still my dad, I talk to him regularly as an adult and he’s not the same guy he used to be but we will probably never be super close. He used to be super strict especially with my sister. For me, I always had my mom to have my back but my sister didn’t. So as bad as it was for me, it was 100 times worse for her. Then there were a lot of issues between my mom and my sister. At the time my mom was in her early 20’s. She wasn’t ready to be a mother to someone else’s child. My sister wasn’t ready to listen to what for her at the time, was some random woman. So although we grew up together, half of the time they said I couldn’t hang out with my sister because they didn’t want me to get influenced by her “bad behavior”. As a kid I remember I saw everything. So by the time I was 10, my sister had moved out and my parents told me that they were finally getting divorce. Kids are not dumb and my reply was, “At last!”. My mom and I moved out. I visited my dad every summer.

Children are not too young to notice the violence and know what’s right or wrong. After a few tumultuous relationships as an adult I realized that influenced by my childhood, I was a man beater. I had become my father. In my quest in my life not to be the victim of some man’s disrespect and anger, I had become the one who wielded my fists. In my defense, I always tried to talk about it first. After insults started flying and the threshold of my patience was pushed, I would swing and aim to hurt. I was so blinded by the fury I would fight the one who I claimed to love and it was a vicious cycle. It wasn’t a good relationship. It had good times but I often felt emotionally abused so in turned I got violent and became physically abusive. Both of which is inappropriate! I’m only glad that I don’t have any children so the only people tarnished and damaged were the ones involved.

Years later I have learned that you don’t always love the person who’s right for you and abuse in any form should not be tolerated! There really are plenty of fish in the sea and everything happens in life when they are supposed to. I look back shamefully at my actions and know that all of that happened so I could learn to keep my hands to myself. I learned to compromise and accept that not everyone wants to compromise. I know I don’t want to be with someone incapable of compromise. I want to be with someone who makes me a better person. It took all these dark times of my life to get here but now that I’m here I can strive to be better.

If you are in an abusive relationship, speak up! Find a way out. Get some counseling. Do whatever you can because that situation is not healthy!

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