HOT MESSES: Picking Up Chicks

Wow. Some of you guys out there are a trip. There are some things you guys do when you are just meeting girls for the first time that are a hot mess.

Pretty Boy—So I don’t know why but some of you guys think you are way too cute. Like a girl will be chilling and you hit them up. Okay so she texts back but soon the conversation becomes an interview. She’s asking you questions and you are answering. That’s cool but honey you hit her up first. She’s not even the interested party. She was just trying to have the decent conversation that you were trying to get but she’s not getting it back from you. So she’s just going to hit you with that “Oh” without a period and move on with her day. Try again boo boo. Seriously though, like who do you think you are? You obviously just want to hit the kitty. So you assume that she’s like the last three thirsty chicks you were chatting with. Well newsflash, everyone wants the kitty and you aren’t even putting the effort in for a handshake. Any real woman is going to walk the hell off while you’re over there wasting her time thinking you’re too cute.

Small-talk Guy—Thanks for always texting good morning and always asking a girl about her day. That was cute, for about a week. If after a week the conversation hasn’t progressed any and all you talk about are the ones current conditions and the weather . . . then yeah . . . You too have missed the mark. I don’t know about every girl out there but after two days of small talk I’m done, like completely not interested and I think you are super bland. You have to ask the girl what her interests her. What’s she like to do, what she likes to eat, what are her hobbies, etc. Find some common ground factors and then discuss those. Maybe introduce her to things she might like? Whatever just put in some effort into getting to know her beyond what she is doing and if the sun is shining where she is. Just asking her about her day 3 times a day is just really not enough to sustain the interests for beginning to date. If you aren’t careful you will be ignored or stuck firmly in the friend zone. Seriously. She shouldn’t yawn and roll her eyes when she gets a ping and it’s . . . you. Great.

Eager Beaver—Where to begin with this guy? Well there is definitely a thing as too aggressive, i.e. THIRSTY. No one woman wants to be harassed, followed, and pestered! There are some things in life that you have to be persistent at but getting home girls number when she’s not interested is not one of them. Though this might have been successful for you in the past it was because the girl was down to do whatever to get you to go away! The way you are coming off isn’t all like you are trying to fight for what you want, on the contrary dude, you are looking like a CREEPER. She turns around and bam there you are . . . still . . . trying way too hard to force yourself into her presence. If she’s obviously not interested, well sorry fellow, she’s not interested. Playing hard to get involves a woman being coy with her flirtation and the lady in front of you is not being coy. She’s trying to be nice and find an exit. Dial it back a little. No one wants to come off rape-y.

Sexual Deviant—Okay Quagmire. Now we all know there are some FREAKS out here in these streets. We also know not everyone falls under that category. So like sending a random girl a picture of your penis right off the back is not attractive. Like I said, not everyone’s into that and you just flashing your little guy out there like that is kind of weird. Do you do that to everyone? I’m baffled. Most girls I know would be like WTF. We would sit around talk about you and why you would display yourself in the beginning stages of acquaintanceship without warning or provocation. Then we would ignore your future text messages because you just assumed that the person on the other end was going to go gaga over your wiener. That’s not cool and its sexual harassment if it’s unwanted. Also, just because a girl comes to hang out with you that does not mean she wants to automatically have sex with you. No means no.

Mr. Encyclopedia—No one likes to be corrected all day and all night. No one likes to have to be politically correct about every topic, every time, every second, 24-7. Lighten up. Jokes don’t have to be factual statements. You don’t have to parade your intelligence in order to prove your worth. This isn’t high school anymore, we aren’t in class, and no one wants to be lectured all day. Relax. Making a girl feel dumb isn’t cute either. Unless she’s a complete idiot, she won’t appreciate you talking down to her all day, every day. Not attractive. Also, not everyone has the same interests and your complete analysis of the cane toad reproduction rates, might be too much if she doesn’t share the same interests as you.

Emotional Wreck—I understand people have life problems. We all do. When you first meet someone crying on their shoulders about your recent divorce . . . yeah might not get you the attention you want. The pity party is not the same as the sexy party. Then after you have told her about your 99 kids and 35 baby mothers . . . well you can’t blame the girl if she doesn’t want to inherit your baggage. Honestly if you are under that much duress, a girlfriend is probably not the answer to your prayers. You might want to step back first. Get yourself together and then bring someone else in. It’s not fair to you or her.

So now what did we learn? Little to no interest, too much interest, too bland, too sexual, too informative and too emotional can all be pretty unattractive. Notice each example was a different shade of an extreme. Life is all about balance. Go get you some balance and bring that to the table when you approach a woman. You are sure to have more success when trying to find your other half.

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