Welcome to my self love journey. On this journey I will come to know myself, find my worth and ultimately become the person I could only dream I could be…. Not everyone is going to make it. Actually, a lot of people will not make it. I’m still not making it. But every day is a day to get better and better. It’s not something that “they” just tell us. Fuck a “they”. This is something between me and myself. Now no matter what you’re doing or where you are…well for the most part… You have to make that decision to truly love yourself. Now some of you are rolling your eyes like bitch stfu I love myself, you don’t know what the fuck you’re saying, etc. etc. I would’ve said the same thing too. My eye-opening moment was one day I was looking at myself in the mirror, which contrary to popular beliefs I actually don’t do very often, and I looked myself dead in my own eye and said, “I love you”. No as silly as I thought it was, I noted that it made me feel not only silly but awkward as well. Which upon reflection was in itself weird. I mean if there is one person on this planet who has my back all day every day. Even when I’m asleep, it’s me. So it shouldn’t be awkward to feel that way when I tell myself that I love myself. I was a little ashamed too because all this time I felt that I had a great sense of self love and here I was unable to acknowledge it to myself. So begins my self love journey.
Step one. I decided to remind myself of my worth so after watching “The Secret”, a couple of seasons of Being Mary Jane, reading “Habits” by Charles Duhigg and then finally reading “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. I made a couple of vision boards, wrote down reminders of self-proclamations and posted them around my house, and began to figure out where I wanted my life to go. When I looked at it, I tried to look at it from an endpoint until now point of view. To look at it from a present to future standpoint is overwhelming and depressing so I try to look at it from future to the present. If I assume I’ve already made the decisions that led me to the future I pictured for myself it takes a lot of the pressure off of the “now” and quite frankly makes me more confident of my ability to handle all of life’s hardships if I trust myself. Trust is love. Love is trust.
Step two. The past. Something that’s uncontrollable and may even be undesirable to revisit. It is important. Life teaches you many lessons on a daily basis and in order to learn them to prevent them or gain information for your future decisions you have to understand those lessons. Also to understand that the past does not dictate the future. In the self-love journey while analyzing the mistakes of the past you have to learn the act of forgiveness. Yes bitch you fucked up. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision you could’ve made. You have those regrets and now you have to forgive yourself. Period. Yes it was stupid and yes you forgive yourself. Forgiveness is love, love is forgiveness.
Step three. Habits. First part of changing something you don’t like is knowing that you are doing it. Then figuring out why you are doing it. Then when you figure that out, you can change it. Like for example getting fast food. You do it because it’s the “easy” solution. Being lazy. You do it so often you stopped even thinking about it and before you even know it, you got home and are sitting on the couch chomping on McDonalds. But is that self-love? Choosing the “easy” button? How little do I care for myself that I cannot even take the time to make myself something delicious and home-made? More importantly how can you ask someone else to take you to Ruth and Chris when you don’t even give yourself that much attention and love? That was my epiphany. I looked at my apartment. I have been in here for 3 months and half of my stuff is still in boxes. I had had collected soooo much clutter and kept clothes for so long that I was overwhelmed. I was not happy that I could not invite anyone over and have a cute dinner or anything because there wasn’t any room and so much junk everywhere that I would be embarrassed. I mean really what was I waiting for? Relationships could be a habit. I was a serial monogamous for soooo long that I was always that friend in a relationship. Upon reflection the relationships I was in, they weren’t relationships that I really wanted to be in. They were for convenience or just to be with “someone”. Which was not healthy or self-love! How could I possibly love myself as much as I claimed to be if I kept sharing my energy and time with people I wasn’t that attracted/in love with just because they just happened to be around? It’s easier to break a habit when you figure out why you are doing what you’re doing. It gives you the ammunition to fight back and make better decisions for yourself.
Step four. Now. The butterfly effect. Great movie and something I never thought about as much as I should. Don’t play checkers in life, play chess. If you make moves in life based only on the next move, you’re not thinking far ahead in time and I mean every decision. This is not an anxiety thing. Don’t freak out. Because in the present a great part of that decision, I’d say about 99.9999% is your attitude/energy. That shit really matters. You can only fully control how you react to an event/stimulus so that is your absolute control factor. The way you treat others, things, animals, and situations change the outcome of your future. Even the smallest things. Facts. Knowing or not-knowing information also changes the outcome of the future. What you say or don’t say, or do or not do, changes what is to come. So a big part of my now I try to stay balanced by grounding and meditating, finding outlets for my excess energy/aggression/creativity, keeping company of people whose presence is beneficial to my emotional health and just manifesting good in my future. Whatever that may look like. I won’t go into the type of people you should keep around but if someone makes you feel uncomfortable/uneasy…it may be a sign that they don’t have your best interest in life in mind. I’ll save that can of worms for another day. Anyways, I’m just saying be mindful of your decisions. You never know who’s watching, who can help you in the future, or where a choice may take you/keep you from.
Step five. Actions. Treat yourself like you would want someone to treat you. Think you are a queen? Well treat yourself! Take care of yourself! Do the things for yourself that you know you deserve. How can you expect someone else to expend time to love you when you don’t spend the proper amount of time on yourself? You want a better car, but you neglect your current car. Your house is in disarray, but you think you ought to be living in a mansion. You think that you should be eating the finest foods, but all you do is give your body fast food. You want a nice body, but you don’t dedicate any time to working out or grooming it. Well what are you waiting for? What event needs to occur before you invest your time on yourself? Invest energy on yourself. Do the things for yourself that you would do if you loved yourself. That is where I am. I’ve identified the things I would like to change and now I just need to do it. Nike. You are the person you dreamed you could be. Believe it and act accordingly. Everything else will fall into place.